The last day

I couldn’t leave, but didn’t want to stay. The ice cream was nice, and so was the lounge chair in the shade. I had a nice nap and I’m not hungry. I’ve got the weekend to myself and could literally do whatever I like.

I’m seated at my machine, organizing and feeling the joy of control… but something sits just below my chest. Sure, my stomach is still a little weird but that’s not it. It’s… over.

The job I desperately wanted and endeavored to enjoy each day. The community we built and gave so much of ourselves to…gone. Where can I put these feelings? There’s no one here to share them with, which, I suppose is for the best as all I can yet muster is a rambled muss.

I’ll grab a burger in a few minutes, drink some wine, and play some cards. I’ll insulate and distract myself for a while but on Monday… It will still be over.

“Penny wise and pound foolish.” Nailed it.

How long do I wait? Do I expect some mythical force to generate a sense of urgency for our district? How to help them see how far they have to go?

Do I serve a system like this? Do I give myself for it’s good? What do I need to see and receive and feel in order to make that sacrifice worthwhile? Am I to go without so that some students and families can be made whole and finally be served by a system that doesn’t even see them now?

Is Gizmo running away? Is running away okay? Am I kidding myself by thinking I’ll keep my foot in the door by this leave of absence? Do I want to keep my foot in the door? Will I be able to know that things are moving forward if I’m playing with Robots in CDA?

“What am I supposed to do without you?”

A bit dramatic, to be sure… but damn it sometimes the random iTunes selections really capture a feeling.

I have a lot to give, and I’m optimistic that very quickly I’ll return ready to give it and pour my excitement into experiences that are great for kids. But right now?

Nope.

This sucks.